Contemplative Musings and Other Redundant Thoughts

Congrats 2011 Grads!

2011-05-26T06:58:00.000-07:00

Hey all I hope this works out.

test pdf

2009-12-07T13:40:00.000-08:00

EDEN PROJECT TEST LINK

This link takes the user to the eden project Christmas Card .pdf on.

Letter from 3 years ago

2007-12-30T08:13:00.000-08:00

I thought I'd upload the letter from 3 years ago here since I've never posted it anywhere before. Here it is:
****************
Hello Friends, Staff, & Relatives

You may have heard by now but if not I’m sorry to tell you in a mass email.

Thursday evening, the 30th of December I think, my first daughter was diagnosed with Pre-B ALL Cancer. ALL stands for Acute Lymphomatic Leukemia. About 3000 kids get it a year and she got picked this year to be one of the 3000. We found out after she caught what we now know was the Flu while we were on vacation in California for Christmas. We made it home took her in to the doctor and within a couple hours were driving down to Presbyterian St. Lukes Pediatric Oncology Center.

Since that night she has successfully kicked the Flu bug, my wife and I got it too, and is doing much better. She will start Chemo treatment on Monday, probably as you are reading this, to kill off all of her white blood cells, since Leukemia is a cancer of the blood. She will continue this treatment for approximately 2 and ½ years and if she is one of the 80% then she will be cured.

So far she has under gone several blood transfusions, 1 surgery, a pretty cool “Borg” (star trek reference) looking implant in her chest to give her medicine through called a “Broviac” Intra Venial Catheter , a bone marrow aspirate/biopsy, a spinal tap and 1 course of Chemo in her spinal fluid.

Sooo…. Lots of info, can’t believe that I can describe it so well in just a few sentences.

Tiffany are holding up pretty good and just clinging to God, falling into His arms and trying to keep Jesus’s light as our center in this time of darkness. It’s really just too big to worry or control any of it. We feel at peace even when we are crying so thank you for so many of you that have been praying for us. It really is a powerful thing and very comforting to that so many people are praying for our little girl.

Well lots to do, lot of sleep to catch up on, please keep praying for us all.

If you want more detailed information, have something you want to tell us, can offer us help in any way or just want to see how things are going we have set up a “blog”… Ok you unhip, non-techno savvy friends of mine it is a “web-log” (say it fast a few times and you start saying blog too) a page that we can post info on and you all can be part of this journey with us by posting comments back if you want, check it out. This is how we will be communicating primarily from now on so for the most up-to-date info go to the link below.

Here is the URL address just put it in the address bar in your browser

abbyupdate.blogspot.com

Thanks to everyone again for your support in this.

With love and hope,

Mark, Tiffany, Abigail, & Anna Schreiber

Sinus Surgery Thurs

2007-02-28T20:36:00.000-08:00

Hey all,

Abby's on for the sinus thing tomorrow morning at 11am. We'll take her down, check her in, and they do it all. It takes about 45 minutes per side of her nose and they will also be doing her spinal tap, and a bone marrow while she is under too.

She'll start her Dex pill tomorrow too so I hope she feels like swallowing them. We should be able to bring her home tomorrow afternoon but we may have to keep her over at PSL (the hospital) if they need to watch her. We'll see.

I'm off to finish getting ready.

Dreaming

2006-11-14T20:30:00.001-08:00

So I've been dreaming again... ya about the same elusive topic... community. I love it, I hate it, I want it more and more.

I feel like I've had a taste of it that just wont go away. That's a good thing though, like the finish of a really good and complex wine. I just always wonder what exactly I'm tasting. Part of it is also the fact that Abby is finally getting closer to the end of her treatment, 5 more months! Yippee! Anyway, it feels like that one race that we've been is is starting to wind down and that is a good thing. Sigh. Deep breath. Relax... ahhh rest. Ok that's enough so where do we go from here!

Community of course! My life goal! So I started by having a spontaneos dinner with some friends and then inviting my buddy over to watch Band of Brothers (disk 3). What a great movie... talk about forced community and dependance! Yikes.

Anyway, I'll keep you posted as to how this whole community process goes. Right now I'n involved with a group of people that are looking into converting an old grain elevator and storage building into a community center, edcuation lab, art gallery, coffee shop with an attached co-housing area. I know, I'm a crazy community radical. That's alright I forgive you... Want to be part of it? Come on I know you do, we can make it happen together. Alrighty. Out for now.

The Apathy Shelf

2006-07-31T22:57:00.000-07:00

I should be sleeping but I can't. Lots going on lately with life. School starting up, side jobs finishing up, Abby's chemo coming up, and all of these hard circumstances going on in people I really care about's life. I have a "to do" list 3 pages long... in 8 font... ya, I'm serious, 8 font, Times New Roman. So ya, I have a few things on my plate, but that's just my life, that's how I often choose to live it. Sometimes it all gets squeezed together and my list gets really long but mostly it's just the constant grind. I don't think that's the reason that I'm up though, it's all the other stuff.

You see, I have a place for all of that. A list for my side job, a list for school stuff (broken down by all my different parts of my job of course), and a list for some of my tangible home things like mow the lawn. I'd do that one now if I could but then I'd be contributing to my neighbors lack of sleep too!

So what's keeping me up you ask again?... The other stuff, the stuff with no box, no compartment, no tidy place to shelve it until tomorrow. Things like relationship troubles, broken marriages, depression in friends lives, addictions, disappointment that I see in peoples eyes when I walk around, and the constant guarded politicalness of so many people that I know. That's what keeps me up. What do people do with these things?

Quite often I just put them on the Apathy Shelf if I can be so honest. I do that so I can sleep. I'm not saying it's pretty, it's just what I can so often do. But tonight is different. My heart aches. My eye lids aren't tired. The Apathy Shelf has been cleared of all that was on it and now I don't know what to do with it. I don't want to put it back, it doesn't belong there anyway. I know, I'm rambling. But what do you do with this stuff? This is just life. I know, I know... Jesus wept. I can do that too, I can relate but after Jesus wept he went and brought his dead friend back to life... Sorry, I try to be like Jesus but there's a point when I just can't pull it off.

Thoughts? I know by the time I read them I'll have gone to sleep but still I'd love to hear them.

For me it has, once again, to do with... can you guess? Yup, community. In real community, you feel pain, you get hurt, you have uncomfortable conversations, and you fight your desire to put peoples lives on a shelf that they don't belong on, you fight to not go numb. And disappointing as that may be, at least you are alive in it!

I've had some downs, I've had some grief, but I've also had some joys and a ton of celebrations!...

I refuse to live in the middle. I've done that and it's a lonely place. I want they highs of life and I want the lows. I want to be ok with being awake at night thinking about my friends and families problems. With that I want to get up early to celebrate their victories too.

So awake I stay, pondering life, praying for people that are hurting, and practicing community in my heart as I lie here on the couch alone. Maybe that is it. Maybe me, in this little place of care and prayer, in this place of handing things over to God to hold on to, instead of shelving them myself, will give me the rest that I so seek.

Good night.

Community vs. Accountability... or something like that.

2006-07-23T06:31:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about community again lately. That is my passion really, a passion that often eludes me, yet is still my passion.

I just finished a week at YLI discussing community with a bunch of high school teen leaders in a break out session. We talked about authentic community, our relationship with God and how that affects our relationship with others. We talked about not wanting to check off more boxes in our relating with each other but how to really find community amisdts our culture that so often tells us to be an individual. Just think about it. "Your way right away", or a custom coffee drink tailored to your specific likes, or all of us with our individual music on our iPod... We are trying to get everything that we want when we want it, maybe we should just call it our "iLife".

So, like I said a lot of things have been on my brain lately about community and how Christians do community. The word that came to my mind and a lot of the kids in my class minds was "fake". Yup you heard me right, fake. I haven't figured out if that is the best word but it partially fits.

I'm in this accountability group right now and we are talking about what this group is all about. We do it via email and often times it doesn't carry much weight to my life. Actually all of the time, if I'm brutally honest with myself. Why doesn't it carry the weight? I say because it is over email. Email... what a great medium for community building. Right there next to my billions of tasks to do and the other 1300 unread emails. Or as my friend put it, "right next to my millionth Viagra email." Wow, great place to build community huh?.. Sorry I'll hold my sarcastic thoughts for a moment. Basically it is hard to drop to a deep level while I'm trying to teach or finish my tasks for the day, especially when it's just an email... no real person you know? I could just delete it with 1 click of the mouse. Not in the mood for community... click. Too many things to do... click. Don't feel like being challenged... click. It's hard to have community for me on my spotty WiFi connection. Definitely a bit removed from the real nitty gritty of our lives.

So how do we fix it? Well I'm glad you asked because I think I have some good ideas.

How about we start to live as a community again? I mean how can we have accountability with people that we first don't have community with? When I "do life" with people in an authentic way, I have the foundation for...(do I have to call it accountability?) for... spiritual depth with the people in my community. That's what I desire. But still how do we get it? Add another meeting to our schedule? Personally I don't know if early morning coffee shop times really do it for me. Don't get me wrong, it can be really nice to talk about what is going on in you life and have someone listen to you for an hour... but I just don't know if it really makes authentic community... seems more like a counseling session sometimes than a real friendship. I'm just tired of manipulated relational meetings. Not because I don't like meeting for coffee and talking, but because I want more. I want to share life with people instead.

So here is what I suggest. Why don't we start to share with people, with our community. I have lots of ideas on how to do this with out another meeting time... But that will have to be left for my next post. This one is too long already.

Unholdable

2005-12-17T18:59:00.000-08:00

If you know me much you that I spend most of my thoughts on that "other" blog, the one about Abby (3 year old, blood cancer, she's doing pretty good). Anyway, sometimes I feel like this site is more appropriate for what I have to say... that's why I'm posting here again today.

So, I've been pretty stressed lately to be honest and didn't really stop to quiet myself and look at it until this afternoon. When I did, as so often happen in that quiet place, I found that what I thought was stressing me was not really it, instead it was something much deeper.

It may seem silly to you but the thing that is stressful in my life right now is not the season, not the work load at work, not even the impending visitation of my whole family in our modest house.... nope. It's Abby. I know, your thinking, "well duh! Of course it is, she has cancer" but it's not like that usually. It's been a year, well almost, and everything in this season reminds me of a life that I had where I used to be free. Free from one chemo-saturated week of Abby wanting me to hold her each month. Free from having to give her 6-MP every night mixed in with chocolate syrup. Free from all the memories of the last 12 months, the doctor visits, the surgery waiting rooms, the spinal taps, and blood draws.

Just free.

I was reading one of the last posts that I'm not even sure I posted before Abby was diagnosed last year. I remember the day vividly. I went down for my final pilgrimage to Laguna Beach before we were going to have to go back to Colorado. I love that beach. I went and sat in Deidrichs, a coffee shop right on the cost highway. It was raining outside, raining hard. The wind was blowing in big gusts that sprayed you with a rainy mist that left a salty taste in your mouth as your breathed it in. I got my coffee, bundled up, and then headed for the boardwalk to go watch the giant waves come crashing in on the beach. I only stayed out there on the boardwalk for about 10 minutes, but man was it fun. I went back inside Deidrichs and sat down. I opened up my laptop and started to write out some raw thoughts for a later post...

Here's a little blurb from that unfinished post.
"It's raining here in California, raining hard,and yes, I love it. Maybe the intensity of rain is what I really like. I like that the rain cleans everything off, all the soot and grime that has covered the trees. All the junk that has accumulated on the cars, even though most everyone will have to go get them cleaned to take care of the water spots."

"I love the rain, the sound of it, the feel of it on my skin, it brings me back to a place where I feel like a child again. I don't have the responsibility that I use to have, I don't have the need to impress anyone, or hold things together."

I think that is why I'm so stressed lately. I'm just trying to hold it all together.... and well, you know what???... It's just unholdable. Too big for me anyway. God sized.

What I really need is a good rain. A big down pour to help to wash off 12 months of pent of grime. 12 months of me, in a lot of ways, just trying to hold it all together. Trying to hold the unholdable, trying to calm the giant waves in my life. I think all of us would agree that it would be pretty dumb to try to stop the storm surge, or the waves pounding on the beach like I saw that day in Laguna... But in my own life... well, I think I do it more often than I'd like to admit. How about you?

So, nothing profound, just where I'm at and where I'd like to be. Thanks for taking the time to read it.

Thanks and Giving... always runing for the Sun

2005-11-24T12:46:00.000-08:00

So, I'm here in Idaho visiting my relatives for Thanksgiving. Interesting time of year really. When I have "down time" like this I often get very reflective. So here we go, just some thoughts and reflections about the "holiday season"....

So, Idaho is under somewhat of a blanket of fog this week. Cold, wet, slick and icy--- no sun---. That's what's on the table for Thanksgiving this week. So, ever the glutton for punishment yet with a deep sense of adventure I decided to go for a little drive with the girls and go find the Sun. Yep find the Sun. The most logical place to go was up and since the mountains are right here... up we went. 4232 feet to be exact and yes we found the Sun. Glorious it was with all of it's warmth and brightness, man, I didn't want to leave. But we did, after a few minutes on the side of the road we once again descended down into a rather gloomy Boise valley.

Before the drive and all this week I've also noticed a couple more things other than the absence of Sun. First, people can't sit still. Grocery store.... Full. Gas Station..... Full. Lonely Idaho roads.... Full. And of course the newspaper, full.... of ads. Second, I can't stand still.

I know you're thinking, "where is he going with this? The Sun, fog, busy people and ads?" Well just hang on, I'll get to it.

Here's the thought. As far of a stretch as it may be... We live in a country with everything and for the most part we still are not content. Take for example Thanksgiving. Most people get Thursday off, and another large majority get Friday off too... but not retailers.... Ads, Ads, Ads. I just saw an ad for a sale from 5am Friday morning until noon... 5AM! What is the matter with this picture. First of all it is Thanks---Giving... once again that is Thanks and the word Giving. Being thankful and giving is what I read out of the title. A time for friendship, relationships, sharing, giving (of ourselves and our stuff) and eating bird the people usually only eat on a sandwich in thin slices during the other 364 days of the year. So, what went wrong? Why do we have to first of all go jump right into the next event, Christmas (which by the way is also about a very large and special gift), to go get all of our shopping done at "rock bottom prices".

Ok so I'm going off a bit but I really do have a point. I've been pondering a lot about me during this week, my motives, my desires-- or often lack of desires, to give. Pondering about what I am going to pass on to my girls in terms of a consumer mentality when I the master of my world can just jump in the van drive 20 miles and get what I want... the Sun. I may hate sales, and crowds but I'm still a consumer, I'm still as antsy about getting out of the house as everyone else... I just camouflage it a "love for the outdoors" package.

Now I'm not saying that we can't go enjoy ourselves, or have time with our family or even enjoy buying something that will bring joy to someone else... I'm just doing a heart check... and you should do one too. Do you have the need to be running around place to place because you have to get this or that for a good price or is it just because you can't sit still? What is it about sitting still that drives us as a culture so batty? One day off for Thanksgiving and what do we do with this time? Have you been thankful about your life today or were you like me just... running away from the oppressing gloom trying to find your own Sun to make your day better?

You know what I'm gonna do? I'm going to go play with my girls and let their smiles light up the room. I'm going to listen to people and care about what they care about today. I'm going to lift my eyes from the plate of turkey and look people in the eye, talk to them over dinner, hopefully so much that my food gets cold. And when I'm done listening, talking and rejoicing over all that I have I'm going to be thankful for the wonderful family, wonderful friends and even the cold mashed potatoes that I have on my plate.

Then tomorrow, I'm going to sleep in. I'm going to pray for the 5am shoppers, for a heart that aches to be still for them. And then, I'm going to once again let the warmth of my families smiles warm me as I give to them more than I have.

Staring

2005-09-05T06:35:00.000-07:00

So I've been trying to make this video lately. The star is my daughter Abby. She is a star for the simple fact that she is my daughter but she is also a star because she has Leukemia. Crazy really, my daughter has Leukemia, who would have ever thought. I don't know what the drive is to make this video but I get a lot out of it, maybe it's just a creative outlet that helps me to come to grips that my daughter is different.

I used to notice when people were looking at us, looking at her mostly, when we went out into public, I don't notice it as much anymore. But yesterday I couldn't help but notice. We took the family to Home Depot, an outing that no family should miss. Tools, wood, lots of toilets in a row on the shelf... good stuff for any family really. Anyway, we went on a Friday morning so that it wouldn't be so crowded. Abby has to wear a mask in public and that morning she also had her eye patch on so she looked a bit different than a normal kid to say the least. She is also bald so she had her hat on most of the time. She was definitely something to look at that day, I have to admit it. People are kind about it, usually just a little double-take and then back to business, but if you look back a few seconds later, often they are staring, curiosity I guess, probably just trying to make sense of and figure out what might be wrong with her.

Part of me just wants to have her where a shirt that says "I have Leukemia" on it or "Cancer Kid" or some smart saying like that just so people don't have to guess. I'm not mad about people looking at all, I just think it might make things more comfortable because people like labels. People like to be able to put things and people into a box and when they can't they stare. Their brains trying to put the object of their staring into a clean tidy box, trying to make sense of it.

I do the same, try to make sense of this life, of the things I see. I stare. I stare at all sorts of things. I sometimes even stare at my daughter, at the fact that she has cancer, trying to put it in some sort of surreal box that will make sense to me. I stare at relationships, at my friends, my wife, my workmates... and try to figure out why these relationships work or why they sometimes don't. I often stare at my wife in wonder and perplextion as she talks about some emotional and relational aspect of life... at those times, I realize that I have no box to fit something in. I also stare at God, a good stare of sorts, just trying to figure him out.

But all of my staring has the same common thread, I just want to make sense of it, an if I can't I at least want to find an imaginary box to put it in so that I can feel like I'm in control.

So, staring is a form of control huh? Do ya think? I do. I think that everywhere we look we are trying to find a place to fit the experience of life into a neat tidy box. This box gives us safety, give us a sense of control, a false sense of course, but a sense none the less. So people stare, and will continue to stare at all sorts of things, my daughter included. And even I'll continue to stare, with that look of " I wish I could control this" in my eyes. But what if we could stop staring so much, and turn our gaze to God? What if we could replace our longing for control with a reckless abandonment to the one who made us? I'm all for it that's for sure. And you know, no matter how much we stare, how much we long for control, we still don't and won't get it.

Control is just an illusion.

So my prayer for you and I will be that we will stare less in a control seeking way and more in a God seeking way. An I also pray that when others stare at Abby they will in some way, be drawn to the face of the one who made her.

Glasses

2005-06-18T14:15:00.000-07:00

I've worn glasses from probably the 3rd grade or so. As I've gotten older my vision has gotten poorer and now I truly couldn't live with out wearing my glasses. I always joke that I would love to be dropped off in the Colorado mountains in a pretend plane crash just so that I could use all of my survival skills, the only problem is I wear glasses and if I lost them in the crash I'd probably die out there because I wouldn't be able to see anything, my skills and knowledge would be void. Without my corrective lenses in the wild, Darwin would win, I would die, the bear with the good vision would eat me and my genes would be taken out of the pool. Oh well, it would still be fun to try.

When I was in high school I would take long bike rides and often when I was coasting down a long stretch of lonely road enveloped on either side by thick evergreens and underbrush I would see this picture that I can still see today. It is hard to explain this image, and more of them like it, that are stuck in my head. One time I wanted to photograph it, rig a camera up on my bike and try to capture what I was seeing, but it seemed too impossible, so still today, they are stuck in my head.

Let me try to explain... These images all had the same common thread, my glasses, or maybe better yet, the view of life through my glasses. Most of the time I don't even notice them, I walk around capturing the visions of life as I pass through it with no thought of the mechanical optics sported on the bridge of my nose. But sometimes I do notice it, in the most profound ways. Images that are imprinted in the crazy mystery of my brain. Sometimes music triggers the playing of a series of these frames, sometimes a smell, sometimes a de-ja vu sort of experience and then BAM they flood back in.

I still can't really explain why this is so profound to me... let me try to give an example of one of these stills to help explain, but first some background info...

Like I said, I wear glasses because I'm as blind as a bat, and with no sonar either, so actually blinder, or more blinded-ed, anyway... So, I have peripheral vision but things aren't clear, their blurry. The other part is that when you look out of the sides of your lens with out moving your head, you can see two of the same objects, one is blurry, one is clear. It is an effect of the bending of the light and a distortion of where things are because of it. Why do I impart the knowledge of these scientific principles to you? Because I have a point, that's why, let me get to it...

So, I'm riding my bike, back in Washington, down these narrow old roads, the trees almost forming a perfect tunnel above me in places. I'm aware of the helmet rim sitting on my brow, my hands on the bars, just a piece of the front tire in my field of vision. The phantom image of glasses frames floating in the air in front of my nose, too blurry to really notice. Things off to my left and right are all blurred too, partly from my vision, partly from the speed, almost like one of those crazy sport pictures where the runner is in focus and the background is blurred in a series of colorful streaks. The whole picture is too big to put into a normal picture, if you tried everything would be distorted, like a fish-eye lens picture. But in my mind it isn't distorted at all, surreal only because it seems impossible to have such an all encompassing image lodged in any sort of medium, even the medium of my brain. Just too perfect. Too large of image to capture. Not normal. Not right.

But why are images like these, the still frames burned into my synapses so alluring, so profound when they come back to my mind? Maybe because they are different. Maybe because they are impossible to recreate. But maybe they are so inspiring and profound for the simple reason that they are so normal yet so overlooked. Untapped images. Images that happen all the time but are simple cast out because they are not part of what is straight ahead of me. Straight through my lenses.

Like I said I forget that I wear glasses. I rarely even notice them unless it is raining, or I dive into the ocean and realize upon coming out of the wave that I can't see anymore and that I really should pay for that laser corrective surgery. It'd be cheaper than all the glasses that the ocean has claimed... and more often the sunglasses that I forget about when wearing contacts but that is a whole different story. So I forget, so normal, so needed yet so forgotten. Compensating for the bad peripheral vision by turning my head more. My neck muscles triggering as if by an arc reflex to help me function normally. But what if suddenly they are lost, a victim of a wave? I would notice then, I would notice for days. Others would also notice as I drove the freeway with out them. Oh would they notice!

The reason this is profound is not for glasses sake but how it mimic life. Things that are normal, looked over. The ones we love the most, see all the time... often treated the worst. Why? Why do we not capture all of the incredible "frames" of life more often. Why do we so often over look the beauty of creation? Of relationships. Of Community. Why do we overlook God?

I say maybe we need to take off all of our glasses, all of our frames that we don't look past the edges of, all the things that are 99% of the time unfocused and can't see a thing state, let God come in and restore our vision. Restore our vision for the things of this world, for His things. Take away that double vision. The vision that is just out of our normal reach, the one is being bent by our lenses may just be the false one.

Does this make sense? Maybe you'll just have to try on my glasses sometime.

Conversation Stopper

2005-06-07T09:54:00.000-07:00

So, I'm at a coffee shop right now... yes I know very unlike me:) But anyway, I was standing in line and this coffee guy asked the man in front of me, a freindly conversation starting question... "so you going on any vacations this summer?"... long pause from the man in front of me and then "I'm going back to vermont to spread my mothers ashes next week." Coffee guy, "Oh" (head down, pulling a shot of espesso for a longer than normal time). And then the man in front of me, "you didn't know?" Coffee guy, "no, I haven't seen you around much lately." From there the conversation got a bit more akward and then a bit back to normal as they tried to end on a good note. Things like, "did she pass peacefully?" and "ya, it's been a really incredible experience." And things like that.

It's just we all ask questions about life and I think we mostly just want the surface. "How are you doing?" "Good, you?" "Good. How about that (insert weather term here)?" I do it, you do it, we all live on that level, and in someways that is OK. I mean we shouldn't just throw down the gauntlet every time about all the crap in our lives and why it has been hard... or should we? With who should we? With who shouldn't we? "Don't air your dirty laundry." What's that all about?

The reason the conversation above strikes me so much is that the same types of things get played out in my life daily. The question of the semester has been, "How's Abby doing?" I understand the line of reasoning behind the question, the desire to connect and show concern. And to be honest I love it when people ask, but I just don't know how to respond. "Do you really want to know?" is what I hear in my head. I hear that a lot in my head from a lot of different questions. And I know the answer too, it is because of community, or lack there of in my life. No, I'm not a hermit, and yes I do get out and socalize quite often. But it doesn't really seem like true community and true community is the quest of my life right now. Probably always will be my quest.

I just so want to be apart of a true loving, Christ centered, community. I've seen it in the past, in BIG ways too. But it always wans to the business of life, the constant demands of our time. I've seen it when people poured out love for our family when Abby was diagnosed, I've seen it when people spontaneously got together to make pasta and have a party. When, kids at my school raised over 10k combined last semester for Abby. I've seen it in the little and the big, and I want to see it more. I want to see long lines at the coffee shop where people are not just there to get coffee, but to talk. Whe they wait 10 minutes with a smile on there face because people in front of them are engaged with each other on a real level. Where causual questions that turn deep are not awkwardly passed over but are genuinely felt. And where I, with all my insecurities, will participate with reckless abandonment as well.

How about you? How about community? What are we going to do? How can we spread the real person, the relationship with Christ that we have, to our communities in a real way?

Yup, that's meeee

My theme song from sleeping in a van

2005-03-18T14:28:00.000-08:00

Listening to David Crowder song "How great" and memories have flooded my mind.

You see this seems to be my theme song... I know, not many people have there own theme song, but I just must be special, because this one is mine. Maybe David didn't intend it to be my theme song but I guess that's the price you have to pay as an incredible artist with incredible lyrics, people like me claim your songs as their own. yup that's what I'm doing.

I see is as a growing problem really, theme song claiming that is, especially in the age of i-Pods. Let me get off this tangent and explain to you why this is my song and the memories that go with it.

When Abby, my 3 year old, was diagnosed with Leukemia and I was in the hospital with her I found that this was the song that gave me more comfort that I can even express in words. I remember lots of great times where I just felt held by God while I listen to this song. One of them was the night after we checked her in to Pres./St. Luke’s. Abby and my wife were sleeping in the room but there wasn't enough bed space for all three of us. I had a fever too, turned out to be the Flu, so I decided that I was going to go down in the parking garage and sleep in the van.... I know, crazy... but no "down by the river in a van jokes please", this is a serious memory... well mostly. Anyway, after my wonderful nights sleep in between the seats of our 94 Nissan Quest I woke up somewhat refreshed and turned on the van to defrost my glasses and warm up a bit. I turned on my i-Pod, thanks again Rob, and selected my "Crowder Rocks" play list. The first song that came on in this random list was Crowder’s acoustic version of "How great"... I know, you didn't know that Crowder has an acoustic album... well, he doesn't, but to make a long story short, I have the illuminate CD as an acoustic version... ya, let's just pretend that he wrote it to me so that I could have it as my theme song. Now, back to the story. So I'm hanging out with Crowder in the van and his lyrics just strike me to the core.

I'm so bored of little gods
While standing on the edge of
something large
While standing here, so close to You
We could be consumed
What a glorious day

I give up, I lay down
Rest my face upon this ground
Lift my eyes to Your sky
Rid my heart of all I hide

So sweet this surrender

CHORUS:
How great Your love for us
How great our love for You
That grace could cover us
How great Your love

How marvelous, how brilliantly
Luminous, You shine on me
And who can fail to give You awe
To fear You, God, so sovereign and strong

What a glorious day
What a wonderful day, today
What a glorious day
What a wonderful day, today
Glorious day

Especially the line that says:
"I give up, I lay down, Rest my face upon this ground.
Lift my eyes to Your sky, Rid my heart of all I hide.
...So sweet this surrender"

After that night I found a little place to stay that was better than the van and was connected to the hospital by a long, and I mean long hallway, must have been 300 feet, seriously. I would put the i-Pod on, go down the elevator to the hallway and while listening to "how great", I would slowly walk down the hall, a yellow doctor mask over my face to keep others from getting the flu, and with each step I'd gain the courage to go back to the bedside of my daughter who had just been diagnosed with cancer.

So that's the mantra of my life now, my theme song. I give up, weary, broken and all. Hanging on by a varying thickness of thread daily. All I really have to do though is lift my eyes to the sky and let go, ridding my heart of all the crap that so easily entangles me and yes the surrender is so sweet.

Why do I remember this today, two months later? Because it is still where I am. Though I don't have to wear a mask any more, the Flu is gone and my house has no room for a 300 foot hallway, I still feel like it would do me good to get up every morning, don my i-Pod and remember just how great God is and how sweet a surrender it really would be if I just, once again, fell into the arms of the God who made me.

2005-01-29T16:34:00.000-08:00

Abby iPod Nov, 2004

Ever feel like you’re in a movie:

2005-01-12T20:52:00.000-08:00

Things have been pretty surreal lately, really vivid you know, sharp colors and really feeling the cold and sun on my skin. Do you ever feel that way, like everything is just so vivid? I took a walk the other day, up in the foothills near our house. It was pretty muddy from the melting snow but the sun was still out and I just felt like I had to get out in nature. As I was walking, I felt like I everything was jumping out at me, I was very aware of my glasses frames, and the sound that my feet were making on the muddy gravel path. It was the coolest thing, and I’ve had lots of these types of experiences lately. I feel very alive. I think a part of it is because I can’t really live “in the middle” any more. I’m dealing with powerful stuff here, powerful emotions, powerful love of the people around me, powerful sadness, and yet an extreme sense of peace. I can’t just “get through” the days any more, or pretend that life is “ok” and that is a great thing for me. Maybe you don’t feel the same way, I don’t know, but for me I am soooooo glad that God has given my family such a wake up call to see what this life really has to offer, the hurts, the beauty, all of it. Nature, the way the snow clings to the branches, how drenched we feel in love from all of you out there, even Abby’s hard days… all of it such and awesome example of God in our midst!

As you can see, love being outside, so does Abby. All summer we would go over to the park, or find a short trail near our house to take a walk on. Her favorite thing at the park to do is climb things that kids her age should not be climbing on. And if she is in a really good mood she’ll catch my eye with hers and then jump to me, hopefully I have a free hand or two; pretty fearless little girl really. She also does this at home, usually from the landing of our stairs she’ll just jump to me, a good 7 stair leap, with reckless abandonment. I love that my daughter can teach me about faith from her playing and I think I might just be ‘getting it’ now. There is a lot of trust in that little girl and a lot of faith. Maybe it takes something like this to happen to us to get rid of those calluses that have formed from our reaction to the hurt in life. Maybe things like this happen so that we won’t continue to live in the middle, always keeping things in order, in control, so that we can save ourselves a little pain. Maybe I need to take a page out of my little girl’s book, learn to just catch God’s eye and leap.

Today Abby jumped to me on the stairs, only one stair but I bet it seemed like 10 to her… It makes me smile to see her playing like this again, to see her not becoming callus from this new lifestyle that she has been thrown into. I can’t wait to continue to see her get her climbing spirit back and also see her throw her self back into things with the same type of faith and trust as I’ve seen from her in the past. Maybe not the full 7 stairs, I don’t know if I trust myself for her sake, but definitely that same spirit.

2005-01-07T13:51:00.000-08:00

So, as you may know if you follow this blog, I haven't posted for a while. I probably won't be posting on this site for a while more till things calm down. My daughter was just diagnosed with Leukemia at the tender young age of 2 & 1/2, well almost 3. If you want to be praying for her or just see her progress then go ahead and get on abbyupdate.blogspot.com .

Thanks I may ramble on this from time to time but most of my energy will be spent on taking care of my family, and updating her page with new info and thoughts.

Nothing profound to say, except "...the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD." Job 1:21

Till later

Passion and Beliefs

2004-12-24T07:57:00.000-08:00

I've been reading Blue Like Jazz lately here at the Dugall house. Miller has some great thoughts about the Christian life and uses story in an incredible way to drive his points home.

So far I think I like his chapter entitled "Belief" the best. "Passion" might have been a better title for it though as it is so much about that. Passion, do I live with it?... and if I do, where does it take me? "Living for something extends beyond fashion, glory, or recongnition. We live for what we believe..."

If that is the case, then what do I really believe? Do I live like Jesus is the most important thing in my life? I think realistically, my life shows that I am the most important thing around. That my happiness, the happiness of those around me, and probably mostly my pride-filled pursuit of glory is what I live for. My life speaks volumes in books that I would prefer not to read. Speaks about deeds that shouldn't have been done and thoughts that should've never crossed my mind... but they have.

But I journey on, a broken man, a man filled with desires that hopefully are from God. My prayer is that God will mold me, that whatever I have done in pride or arrogance will be turned around for His glory and that as I walk through this life that I can look back at my life in the end, see how I have lived, and smile on the beliefs that have been made clear to me.

I know God is in the process of showing my this and for that I am glad! Merry Christmas Eve!

"For unto you a child is born..." I pray this year that we can all not just learn from this child, but also live like this child.

Blue Like Christmas

2004-12-21T11:31:00.000-08:00

I’ve been reading “Blue like Jazz” a lot on this week before Christmas and in tandem thinking about my place in the larger story; even my place in our American culture.

Maybe it’s the ‘Holiday Season’ that gets me. The time of the year where most everyone says goodbye with a “Happy Holidays” attached. When I hear that I want to ask people, “what holiday do you celebrate?” just to hear them say, “Christmas.” We all want to be so 'politically correct' but really end up just being wimpy in how we interact with our materialistic culture. I still love these people, too often I’m one of them, so no real “bah-humbugs” here, I just wish they would either wish me a Merry CHRISTmas or just say that they don’t celebrate Christmas because they don’t believe in Christ. Or even better yet, if they would just say “merry Christmas… but I don’t believe in God and I’m just in it for the presents.” I’d be rather happy to hear their honesty yet sad to see that heart. But that seems to be the heart of our materialistic society. Why is it so hard to just pick a side? If I really think about it, it’s not the non-believers that bug me but the believers, or pseudo believers as it may well be, that send me off with a nonchalant “Happy Holidays”. Show your colors for heavens sake. It’s black or white, you’re for or you're against.

In the fashion world of late, grey is the ‘new’ black… I find that very interesting in this season especially because that fashion tip permeates through to the heart of our society. Grey is the new black in our culture. Nobody wants things to be black or white, we want a grey area. Stealing is black, “I don’t steal, I’m a good person, I follow the rules.” But downloading music online from another computer without having to pay for it… well, that’s not black… it’s grey… well, it’s ok… right? Is it?... Just give me a “happy holidays” stuff your conscious in your pocket and go download me the whole new U2 album off of Kazza for Christmas… Wrap it in grey paper for me ok? I mean why not, it’s just about the presents anyway… right? You see what I mean? I’m tempted in this and so many more grey areas, but I don’t think God sees them as grey so what do I do? Man that music one is really hard for me and I could easily rationalize it away but I've got to start somewhere right? I've got to start with myself, not because I want to look more Christian, or be more "spiritual" but because I want to live out the heart of Christ. Really be his disciple, really follow his ways. I so desperately want that in my life even though I so often fight it.

Just rambling really. I guess it is just the non offensive way of the American culture that gets me. The wimpy non-decisive lazy way that we as Americans call being P.C. I’m part of it I know, I even remember a couple “happy holidays” that I threw out to staff at my school. But that doesn’t make it right, and for me, just makes me dislike the phrase all the more.

So, I’m off to eat more chocolate, lay on the couch, read some more “Blue like Jazz”, and ponder more existential questions about the meaning of life and how little ole’ me can be more a part of the solution than I am part of the problem; it will be a life-long quest I know, but I’m in it for the long haul.

<>For your present... here are some good quotes from “Blue like Jazz”

…In talking about politics, protest and how we affect the world as Americans…

“The problem is not a certain type of legislations or even a certain politician; the problem is the same that it has always been. I am the problem.”

“I think every conscious person, every person who is awake to the functioning principles within his reality, has a moment where he stops blaming the problems in the world on group think, on humanity and authority, and starts to face himself. I hate this more than anything. This is the hardest principle within Christian spirituality for me to deal with. The problem is not out there; the problem is the needy beast of a thing that lives in my chest. “

The thing I realized on the day we protested… was the it did me no good to protest Americas responsibility in global poverty when I wasn’t even giving money to my church, which has a terrific homeless ministry. I started feeling very much like a hypocrite.” “I am not browbeating myself here; I am only saying that true change, true life giving, God-honoring change would have to start with the individual.” (Miller, 2003 p20)

Oh, and BTW... Merry Christmas!

It's a Wonderful Life: By bunnies?

2004-12-16T15:50:00.000-08:00

I have to thank Robin Dugall for making me pee my pants with this one. Only funny if you've see "It's a Wonderful Life".... Funny stuff. Check it out.

It's a Wonderful Life: re-enacted in 30 seconds by bunnies

Thanks ROB!!!

How convicting a video

2004-12-14T17:21:00.000-08:00

I know a lot of you have seen this before but MAN!!! How convicting is this. Makes me want to have everyone just give me cash to send to charities! Go Sarah! At the same time it makes me a bit sad for the country that we live in and how much money we spend on things that make such a realtively small impact on us and could make such a large impact on others.

I so want to be content with what I have. I so want others to be content about what they have. I soooo want our christian brothers and sisters all around the world to know that we are praying, fighting, and longing to help them.

How about we make Starbucks go out of business by not buying our super grande, calorie laden, extra dry, super deluxe, triple shot, 4-dollar-a-pop Carmel Macciato (how do you spell that anyway?) every other day and instead pocket that money and send it to our starving brothers and sisters in Christ around the globe!

I know I have a lot of growth in the area, but man... If one pop artist can make such a profound impact and statement what can we as the american Christian culture at large do?

..... Lets have the faith to move mountians.

World on Fire Video
Good article on the cost of the video

I'm a responsible Dad!...???

2004-12-12T06:08:00.000-08:00

So this last Thursday I got to take off work and be "Mr. Mom" because Tiffany got selected for jury duty. I thought it would be fun, I thought I would show myself to the world as the responsible Dad that I am... I thought wrong.

It at least could haved taken more than 3 minutes for some thing to go wrong, maybe it did, maybe it was 4 minutes. Tiffany had left, just a few minutes prior, and I'm minding my own business. As a responsible Dad I am getting the girls down from breakfast and playing with them downstairs. I'm trying to keep them downstairs because Anna has been wandering around all morning touching things that she shouldn't like lotions, trash, the phone, and more and then saying, "no touch". I'm trying to tell her that that is not how it works... Anyway, 7:42AM... Knock, knock, knock at my door. 'Who's at my door this early in the morning?' I wonder.

I look out side and all I see is this police officer standing backup with his hand on his gun behind this little wall outside our apartment. His partner is knocking at my door. I thought, 'is there a dagerous criminal escaped in our complex?' I opened the door and the officer looks briefly at me and then all around behind me says, "is everything ok?" I said yes and asked why. He said, "did anyone call 911?" I said, "No, come on it if you want." He comes in, looks down at Anna, who by this time is standing very still and looking rather concerned and says, "did she?" My eyes rolled into my head as a I gave one of those ahhhhhhh.... despairing yet now informed sighs. I explained that yes she had been playing with the phone upstairs a few minutes earlier. To try to lighten things up, I said, "Pretty good response time, she just did that a few minutes ago probably." The officer, finally looking me square in the face, says, "Well, it was FOUR 911 calls and hang ups sir." I once again sighed the "yes, I'm a bad Dad." sigh and nodded my head.

So, I guess Anna is gonna have the prank calling gift... Is that from the Holy Spirit? Maybe it's just in there with perseverance. At least I know that she knows the right number... now I can go and fire Lassie.

Playin' With Fire Site ramping up

2004-12-09T13:26:00.000-08:00

I'm almost done with my graduate level course work for this Masters of Science degree!!! Yippee! My last project of my last class of my (hopefully) last degree will be done tonight! Cel--AA--Brate Good times come on..... let be celabratin'...

Anyway, now that I will have some more time, I'm looking forward to getting this new ministry tool up and running. If any one wants to look at the flash intro I've posted it on my consulting website at www.i-netconsulting.net/pwf/ .

Well off to finish my presentation! yippee!!!

Being real the 'new' fake?

2004-12-06T19:48:00.000-08:00

I guess I'm tired if I'm really honest, tired of this life getting people down, maybe even frustrated that where others are often takes me down to a bit with them. Why is that? I've been pretty encouraged lately but maybe that has just been a push by me to be overly encouraging to help the people that are hurting around me... I don't think so, but maybe.

Seems like everything in this world has a 'new something' McDonalds medium fries is basically their new small, a tall coffee is the 'new' short, black the 'new' red and probably red the 'new' black...

Is being real the 'new' fake? I feel like everwhere I look, well not really everywhere but better for dramatic effect, people are trying to be 'real'. What is that anyway? It seems to me that being real to a lot of people is just a cover for the real issues? Maybe I should be looking at myself and not others of late, but that is just where I am... ya know, being real. Should I cover up my feeling so not to offend people? Ya I have my ups and downs and yes, life can get down right hard even if God offers us a ton of simple truths. I shouldn't bottle up everything should I?

All these people that I have been reading about lately just seem like they 'get it'! I truely want that but it so eludes me... I often get it but then poof... A week like this when life throws everything it has at you and then you hit the wall. .... Wait... news flash****

"Silent all these years" from Tori Amos "little earthquakes" just came on the radio at the place I'm writting from, I'll have to look at those lyrics.
"Years go by and I still be waiting for someone to understand, dropped all my tears till there is nothing left... some times I hear my voice and it's been.... silent all these years.

I like God's sense of humor, you know your all about to go off on a topic and then he plays a simple song on the radio with deep lyrics and it just speaks to you.... funny, anyway...

Why does this resonate so much with everyone? Why with me even? Do we just enjoy life when it gets tough? Are people just looking at others that are in their same discontented state to be 'real' with?

Now don't judge me too much because I've been there, yup down in the dumps, no light at the end of the tunnel, just swimmin' to stay afloat. So don't think that I just want everyone to put on a happy face and just fake it. I used to really have a hard time with people that seemed like they just were so happy but had never experience hardship in their lives. I don't want to be trite, I don't want to come off as just pull yourselves up by your bootstraps and put on a happy face to people I meet... I just desperately want it to be true! I want to see the joy filled lives in the people around me. I want to see that in my own life beyond everything. I guess this post is more about what is going on with me than with the people around me. Maybe more about why people that are being 'real' scare me. Maybe I'm the one that tries so hard to help people out of their holes that I end up pretending that I'm just fine.

I guess everyone is trying to be 'real' in their own way. My question is, how does Jesus want us to be with each other? Share stuggles to what extent? Be 'real' to what extent? Just my messing thoughts. Don't worry, I'll never really 'get it' I'm just along for the ride. If I offended anyone, I'm sorry. Don't be too offended... it's not really you... It's probably just me... I'll try to be more real:)

I want to be a super hero

2004-12-02T23:12:00.000-08:00

Yup you heard me... I'd like to be a super hero. Fly or at least jump really high, be able to change my cloths really quickly in phone booths... well, faster ever. Most of all I could help people out from the evil clutches of Dr. whoeverhisnameisthatisarealevilmeanyhead. I wouldn't get much sleep though, always galavanting around saving people and what if I needed to save someone when I was teaching... Maybe I'd have to find a super hero subsitute. When I got the Schreib signal then I would put up the Super Sub signal so that I could leave my class in capable hands... wait that might take too long, and the Super Sub might just cut me out of the loop and just go do the saving by himself...

Well I guess it is just not meant to be but it would be a great way to help out all the people that I love. Maybe I'll just pray for them instead... God's better than any super hero anyway.

How Simple is the Christian life! How Simple is the Christian Life?

2004-11-27T07:05:00.000-08:00

Been reading a lot of peoples’ blogs lately and the posts have made me a bit burdened. The Christian life is suppose to be freeing yet oppression seems more common place than not. Friends and family all around are not experiencing the true joy that God says he will bring to everyone’s life. Not joy in circumstances but the joy that comes from God amidst the tough things of our lives. The peace that surpasses all understanding

<>It would be easy for me to blame God for these lives of strife and drudgery but I won't, I know better... God says, "For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." <>

We so easily forget, or maybe more so are unwilling, to put into action the knowledge that we have seen as true in the past. The knowledge that God’s teachings are easy and not in anyway burdensome. It has been said to me, in many different ways and at many different times that the Christian life can be boiled down into a handful of simple truths. I think we all know what these truths are and how they elude each of us at the current point of our journeys. The questions that we all ask so often in our lives, the unanswerable questions that make us burdened and cause such drudgery in our lives, are not the questions that God wants us to be asking. These questions start out with, and aim to end at, not the simple burdenless life that God provides, but instead a life bent on fullfilling “me”. <>

We are immersed in a society that inhales knowledge like it is the air that keeps us alive. We don’t need any more “new” knowledge to live the simple Christian life. We don’t need to answer any new questions about who “I” am, what “I” need to do to get “myself” out of ______(fill in the blank) situation. What we are all asking is the same old stuff that has been contemplated since the early days of Christianity and most likely even before. There is nothing new under the sun. We don’t need the newest, hippest, post-modern, i-pod enabled mp3 Rob Bellesque message to tell us what hundreds have said in the past… It not about you, it’s about God and it’s not that hard… maybe hard to do, but not hard.

Christian perfection is not so severe, tiresome, and constraining as we think. It asks us to be God's from the bottom of our hearts. And since we thus are God's, everything that we do for him is easy. Those who are God's are always glad, when they are not divided, because they only want what God wants and want to do for them all that he wishes. They divest themselves of everything, and in this divesting find a hundredfold return. Peace of conscience, liberty of heart, the sweetness of abandoning ourselves in the hands of God, the joy of always seeing the light grow in our hearts, finally, freedom from the fears and insatiable desires of the times, multiply a hundredfold the happiness which the true children of God possess in the midst of their crosses, if they are faithful. ~Francois Felelon 1651-1715.

<>Look what you all did now… you got me all fired up. I’ll post more when I come down a bit so I don’t offend everyone I know.

Ok one last thought to leave you with from my old buddy Francois Feleon..

Those who fear to see too clearly what this love asks fool themselves by thinking that they have this watchful and devoted love. There is only one way to love God: to take not a single step without him, and to follow with a brave heart wherever he leads. ~Francois Felelon 1651-1715.

Q: How do we really live this simple yet often hard to implemt life?

2004-11-24T09:19:00.000-08:00

Disciples, undisciplined disciples. Why am I one of the many undisciplined disciples?

"Non Discipleship costs abiding peace, a life penetrated throughout by love, faith that sees everything in the light of God's overriding governance for good, hopefulness that stands firm in the most discouraging of circumstances, power to do what is right and withstand the forces of evil. In short, it cost exactly that abundance of life Jesus said that He came to bring." ~Dallas Willard

Been reading and listening to messages and devotions lately with and interesting theme, discipleship. In this I've realized that I fall short so often and I'm wondering why. I guess It's just the business of life and maybe the death of true joy in the people around us. Maybe we just trade in our joy and fire for the tame life; the life, that from most reasonable peoples eyes, would seem the best road to take... but I don't want that life. It's just not the best, not for me, not for my family or even the people in my life that see my tamed actions and think that that is "ok".

What IS the best, is a life of true discipleship. A life where I believe that God will speak to others through me. A life where "I", "my", & "mine" have no clout. Where they are not used to describe myself, or my life in any idol based way. A life full of adventure where I'm an integral part of the story that God has designed. A part that is pleasing to God and honors Him. I don't want to be luke-warm anymore, I don't want to be tamed, or sold into slavery via the "American dream". Will it be easy, NO, but what really IS easy in this imperfect life? Will it be good in my eyes? Who really know, but in God's eyes it will be and it's not about me anyway.

I have dreams & desires, yes of course. Some probably from God and & probably more are not. I don't want to build my little kingdom but I do want to participate in God's kingdom! How great would that be?!!! No worries about if I'm doing it right, or if it's sustainable. Instead I just get to revile in what He gives me daily and walk it out. Doesn't have to be huge, just day by day doing what God gives me in faith.

So my question for us all is this? 12 men, quite possibly teenage boys, (listen to Rob Bells "Dust of the Rabbi") profoundly changed the world. Not by building up their own kingdom and not by being tamed by the world. They were disciples, striving to do the simple but impossible... just trying to do what Jesus would have done.

Q: What is stopping you and I from selling the "American dream", the idols in our lives, our little glass houses that we think so safe, and instead using God's credit of the Spirit to affect this world that we live in?

No more Trudging

2004-10-10T09:18:00.000-07:00

Went for a little sojourn back at the end of September to get some things straightened out with God. Here's some thoughts from my hiking journal.

9/12/04
I'm part way up to the lake and it's been a tough climb. I thought about turning around because of this stupid blister but I decided to push on ahead. I want to get to the lake or a lake tonight and sometimes chasings the beauty that you are longing for is hard work.

9/13/04
The vision, the why. Those are important questions... Example, I could have stopped @ many spots on this hike and called it done, or even turned around and gone back. The reason why I felt that way is because I was trudging, I was focused on the now, the pain tiredness, etc. Those won't help me get to where I need to go. I need broader vision focus, the why. If I instead concentrate on the why, the goal, then I give up the pointless focus on the pain, hardship, etc. What do I want to get out of this life? What do I want my girls to be like? What do I want the kids in my classes to learn? What do I want the infusion kids to leave Frontier with?... What's the goal? Where is my place in the story?

If we just TRUDGE and make it through we've only enjoyied the ends, the restful times. If we focus on the end then we are all the time. It's still hard work to pursue, but much more worth it in the end.

As you may see from the above entries I don't want to trudge anymore! No Trudging! Life may be hard but God wants us to experience His freedom.

Life is just like that hike... you're so excited to get to this beautiful mountain lake. You throw on your backpack, proud that you can fit everything that you would ever need to live in the small pack on your back. As you start out you walk along an incredible little stream with aspens turning bright shades of yellow and orange on the ridge above you. Some look as they could burst into flame at any moment because of their vibrant color. I mile into the hike you start to feel a little pain in your heal, just a hot spot from the shoes, nothing to worry about. With a little mole skin from your pack you pad the spot and off you go.... but it slips off the spot and soon you have a big painful blister. You can't go on... your trip is ruined and you'll never make it up to the lake... you might as well just turn around and go "car camping". No!!!! You won't have it, your going to the lake even if you heal falls off. And off you go concentrating on the pain the whole way. You're gonna make it to that lake, you're gonna make it! Then the "hill", well really more of a steep incline up the side of the mountain. You think to yourself, "I knew there was a 1500 ft. elevation gain but I didn't know that it would done in just 1/2 a mile!" One foot at a time you climb the trail concentrating less on the pain in your heal because your thighs feel like they will give out at any moment. But the lake, you've got to make it to the lake. On and on you go so exhausted that at many lesser potential camp sites you entertain the thought of just pitching you tent in the trees. Ya sure, no view, no lake but you'd be done! Nope on to the lake. It's getting dark, and the sun has set, you'll never make you think. But you're tenacious and you’re going to get to that lake! Trudging along you think of your heal, now both are blistered, your legs are just dead and your almost out of water. Got to make it to the lake....

Remind you of life? We have some much to look forward to. So much beauty to hike towards but along the way we get beat up and bruised. The items in our pack which at one point were so highly thought of are now just weighing us down. Even if and when we get to the beautiful mountain "lake" we'll be so tired and worn down from our focus on the pain that we won't really enjoy the beauty around us.

I don't want to trudge in this life. We miss so much of the beauty that is on the journey to our destination focusing on the pain. Yes it is painful, yes it is hard, yes this life can really pull you down, but God doesn't want that for us. He wants us to look around and see his great creation. He wants us to be able to enjoy the "lakes" in our lives even if we may be exhausted when we get there.

Q: How do I avoid trudging in this life? How do I walk, one foot at a time through those tough days and still be focused on the beauty that God will and is providing for me in my life. I want to live God's great adventure and not loose heart.