Unholdable
If you know me much you that I spend most of my thoughts on that "other" blog, the one about Abby (3 year old, blood cancer, she's doing pretty good). Anyway, sometimes I feel like this site is more appropriate for what I have to say... that's why I'm posting here again today.
So, I've been pretty stressed lately to be honest and didn't really stop to quiet myself and look at it until this afternoon. When I did, as so often happen in that quiet place, I found that what I thought was stressing me was not really it, instead it was something much deeper.
It may seem silly to you but the thing that is stressful in my life right now is not the season, not the work load at work, not even the impending visitation of my whole family in our modest house.... nope. It's Abby. I know, your thinking, "well duh! Of course it is, she has cancer" but it's not like that usually. It's been a year, well almost, and everything in this season reminds me of a life that I had where I used to be free. Free from one chemo-saturated week of Abby wanting me to hold her each month. Free from having to give her 6-MP every night mixed in with chocolate syrup. Free from all the memories of the last 12 months, the doctor visits, the surgery waiting rooms, the spinal taps, and blood draws.
Just free.
I was reading one of the last posts that I'm not even sure I posted before Abby was diagnosed last year. I remember the day vividly. I went down for my final pilgrimage to Laguna Beach before we were going to have to go back to Colorado. I love that beach. I went and sat in Deidrichs, a coffee shop right on the cost highway. It was raining outside, raining hard. The wind was blowing in big gusts that sprayed you with a rainy mist that left a salty taste in your mouth as your breathed it in. I got my coffee, bundled up, and then headed for the boardwalk to go watch the giant waves come crashing in on the beach. I only stayed out there on the boardwalk for about 10 minutes, but man was it fun. I went back inside Deidrichs and sat down. I opened up my laptop and started to write out some raw thoughts for a later post...
Here's a little blurb from that unfinished post.
"It's raining here in California, raining hard,and yes, I love it. Maybe the intensity of rain is what I really like. I like that the rain cleans everything off, all the soot and grime that has covered the trees. All the junk that has accumulated on the cars, even though most everyone will have to go get them cleaned to take care of the water spots."
"I love the rain, the sound of it, the feel of it on my skin, it brings me back to a place where I feel like a child again. I don't have the responsibility that I use to have, I don't have the need to impress anyone, or hold things together."
I think that is why I'm so stressed lately. I'm just trying to hold it all together.... and well, you know what???... It's just unholdable. Too big for me anyway. God sized.
What I really need is a good rain. A big down pour to help to wash off 12 months of pent of grime. 12 months of me, in a lot of ways, just trying to hold it all together. Trying to hold the unholdable, trying to calm the giant waves in my life. I think all of us would agree that it would be pretty dumb to try to stop the storm surge, or the waves pounding on the beach like I saw that day in Laguna... But in my own life... well, I think I do it more often than I'd like to admit. How about you?
So, nothing profound, just where I'm at and where I'd like to be. Thanks for taking the time to read it.
So, I've been pretty stressed lately to be honest and didn't really stop to quiet myself and look at it until this afternoon. When I did, as so often happen in that quiet place, I found that what I thought was stressing me was not really it, instead it was something much deeper.
It may seem silly to you but the thing that is stressful in my life right now is not the season, not the work load at work, not even the impending visitation of my whole family in our modest house.... nope. It's Abby. I know, your thinking, "well duh! Of course it is, she has cancer" but it's not like that usually. It's been a year, well almost, and everything in this season reminds me of a life that I had where I used to be free. Free from one chemo-saturated week of Abby wanting me to hold her each month. Free from having to give her 6-MP every night mixed in with chocolate syrup. Free from all the memories of the last 12 months, the doctor visits, the surgery waiting rooms, the spinal taps, and blood draws.
Just free.
I was reading one of the last posts that I'm not even sure I posted before Abby was diagnosed last year. I remember the day vividly. I went down for my final pilgrimage to Laguna Beach before we were going to have to go back to Colorado. I love that beach. I went and sat in Deidrichs, a coffee shop right on the cost highway. It was raining outside, raining hard. The wind was blowing in big gusts that sprayed you with a rainy mist that left a salty taste in your mouth as your breathed it in. I got my coffee, bundled up, and then headed for the boardwalk to go watch the giant waves come crashing in on the beach. I only stayed out there on the boardwalk for about 10 minutes, but man was it fun. I went back inside Deidrichs and sat down. I opened up my laptop and started to write out some raw thoughts for a later post...
Here's a little blurb from that unfinished post.
"It's raining here in California, raining hard,and yes, I love it. Maybe the intensity of rain is what I really like. I like that the rain cleans everything off, all the soot and grime that has covered the trees. All the junk that has accumulated on the cars, even though most everyone will have to go get them cleaned to take care of the water spots."
"I love the rain, the sound of it, the feel of it on my skin, it brings me back to a place where I feel like a child again. I don't have the responsibility that I use to have, I don't have the need to impress anyone, or hold things together."
I think that is why I'm so stressed lately. I'm just trying to hold it all together.... and well, you know what???... It's just unholdable. Too big for me anyway. God sized.
What I really need is a good rain. A big down pour to help to wash off 12 months of pent of grime. 12 months of me, in a lot of ways, just trying to hold it all together. Trying to hold the unholdable, trying to calm the giant waves in my life. I think all of us would agree that it would be pretty dumb to try to stop the storm surge, or the waves pounding on the beach like I saw that day in Laguna... But in my own life... well, I think I do it more often than I'd like to admit. How about you?
So, nothing profound, just where I'm at and where I'd like to be. Thanks for taking the time to read it.
posted by Mark Schreiber @ 6:59 PM
1 Comments:
At 1:34 AM,
Eric said…
hey man its eric your probly dont remember me but i was in your fight fire with fire class and i like to read your blog from time to time. but to get to the point you hit a small nail with and even smaller hammer. your thoughts are so valid and so much looked over by everybody. i think we all need a little rain to wash away the pain saddness depression reggrett or what ever else is heavy on are hearts. my prayers will continue to be with you your family and especialy your dear daughter.
Post a Comment
<< Home