The Apathy Shelf
I should be sleeping but I can't. Lots going on lately with life. School starting up, side jobs finishing up, Abby's chemo coming up, and all of these hard circumstances going on in people I really care about's life. I have a "to do" list 3 pages long... in 8 font... ya, I'm serious, 8 font, Times New Roman. So ya, I have a few things on my plate, but that's just my life, that's how I often choose to live it. Sometimes it all gets squeezed together and my list gets really long but mostly it's just the constant grind. I don't think that's the reason that I'm up though, it's all the other stuff.
You see, I have a place for all of that. A list for my side job, a list for school stuff (broken down by all my different parts of my job of course), and a list for some of my tangible home things like mow the lawn. I'd do that one now if I could but then I'd be contributing to my neighbors lack of sleep too!
So what's keeping me up you ask again?... The other stuff, the stuff with no box, no compartment, no tidy place to shelve it until tomorrow. Things like relationship troubles, broken marriages, depression in friends lives, addictions, disappointment that I see in peoples eyes when I walk around, and the constant guarded politicalness of so many people that I know. That's what keeps me up. What do people do with these things?
Quite often I just put them on the Apathy Shelf if I can be so honest. I do that so I can sleep. I'm not saying it's pretty, it's just what I can so often do. But tonight is different. My heart aches. My eye lids aren't tired. The Apathy Shelf has been cleared of all that was on it and now I don't know what to do with it. I don't want to put it back, it doesn't belong there anyway. I know, I'm rambling. But what do you do with this stuff? This is just life. I know, I know... Jesus wept. I can do that too, I can relate but after Jesus wept he went and brought his dead friend back to life... Sorry, I try to be like Jesus but there's a point when I just can't pull it off.
Thoughts? I know by the time I read them I'll have gone to sleep but still I'd love to hear them.
For me it has, once again, to do with... can you guess? Yup, community. In real community, you feel pain, you get hurt, you have uncomfortable conversations, and you fight your desire to put peoples lives on a shelf that they don't belong on, you fight to not go numb. And disappointing as that may be, at least you are alive in it!
I've had some downs, I've had some grief, but I've also had some joys and a ton of celebrations!...
I refuse to live in the middle. I've done that and it's a lonely place. I want they highs of life and I want the lows. I want to be ok with being awake at night thinking about my friends and families problems. With that I want to get up early to celebrate their victories too.
So awake I stay, pondering life, praying for people that are hurting, and practicing community in my heart as I lie here on the couch alone. Maybe that is it. Maybe me, in this little place of care and prayer, in this place of handing things over to God to hold on to, instead of shelving them myself, will give me the rest that I so seek.
Good night.
You see, I have a place for all of that. A list for my side job, a list for school stuff (broken down by all my different parts of my job of course), and a list for some of my tangible home things like mow the lawn. I'd do that one now if I could but then I'd be contributing to my neighbors lack of sleep too!
So what's keeping me up you ask again?... The other stuff, the stuff with no box, no compartment, no tidy place to shelve it until tomorrow. Things like relationship troubles, broken marriages, depression in friends lives, addictions, disappointment that I see in peoples eyes when I walk around, and the constant guarded politicalness of so many people that I know. That's what keeps me up. What do people do with these things?
Quite often I just put them on the Apathy Shelf if I can be so honest. I do that so I can sleep. I'm not saying it's pretty, it's just what I can so often do. But tonight is different. My heart aches. My eye lids aren't tired. The Apathy Shelf has been cleared of all that was on it and now I don't know what to do with it. I don't want to put it back, it doesn't belong there anyway. I know, I'm rambling. But what do you do with this stuff? This is just life. I know, I know... Jesus wept. I can do that too, I can relate but after Jesus wept he went and brought his dead friend back to life... Sorry, I try to be like Jesus but there's a point when I just can't pull it off.
Thoughts? I know by the time I read them I'll have gone to sleep but still I'd love to hear them.
For me it has, once again, to do with... can you guess? Yup, community. In real community, you feel pain, you get hurt, you have uncomfortable conversations, and you fight your desire to put peoples lives on a shelf that they don't belong on, you fight to not go numb. And disappointing as that may be, at least you are alive in it!
I've had some downs, I've had some grief, but I've also had some joys and a ton of celebrations!...
I refuse to live in the middle. I've done that and it's a lonely place. I want they highs of life and I want the lows. I want to be ok with being awake at night thinking about my friends and families problems. With that I want to get up early to celebrate their victories too.
So awake I stay, pondering life, praying for people that are hurting, and practicing community in my heart as I lie here on the couch alone. Maybe that is it. Maybe me, in this little place of care and prayer, in this place of handing things over to God to hold on to, instead of shelving them myself, will give me the rest that I so seek.
Good night.
posted by Mark Schreiber @ 10:57 PM
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