Staring

So I've been trying to make this video lately. The star is my daughter Abby. She is a star for the simple fact that she is my daughter but she is also a star because she has Leukemia. Crazy really, my daughter has Leukemia, who would have ever thought. I don't know what the drive is to make this video but I get a lot out of it, maybe it's just a creative outlet that helps me to come to grips that my daughter is different.

I used to notice when people were looking at us, looking at her mostly, when we went out into public, I don't notice it as much anymore. But yesterday I couldn't help but notice. We took the family to Home Depot, an outing that no family should miss. Tools, wood, lots of toilets in a row on the shelf... good stuff for any family really. Anyway, we went on a Friday morning so that it wouldn't be so crowded. Abby has to wear a mask in public and that morning she also had her eye patch on so she looked a bit different than a normal kid to say the least. She is also bald so she had her hat on most of the time. She was definitely something to look at that day, I have to admit it. People are kind about it, usually just a little double-take and then back to business, but if you look back a few seconds later, often they are staring, curiosity I guess, probably just trying to make sense of and figure out what might be wrong with her.

Part of me just wants to have her where a shirt that says "I have Leukemia" on it or "Cancer Kid" or some smart saying like that just so people don't have to guess. I'm not mad about people looking at all, I just think it might make things more comfortable because people like labels. People like to be able to put things and people into a box and when they can't they stare. Their brains trying to put the object of their staring into a clean tidy box, trying to make sense of it.

I do the same, try to make sense of this life, of the things I see. I stare. I stare at all sorts of things. I sometimes even stare at my daughter, at the fact that she has cancer, trying to put it in some sort of surreal box that will make sense to me. I stare at relationships, at my friends, my wife, my workmates... and try to figure out why these relationships work or why they sometimes don't. I often stare at my wife in wonder and perplextion as she talks about some emotional and relational aspect of life... at those times, I realize that I have no box to fit something in. I also stare at God, a good stare of sorts, just trying to figure him out.

But all of my staring has the same common thread, I just want to make sense of it, an if I can't I at least want to find an imaginary box to put it in so that I can feel like I'm in control.

So, staring is a form of control huh? Do ya think? I do. I think that everywhere we look we are trying to find a place to fit the experience of life into a neat tidy box. This box gives us safety, give us a sense of control, a false sense of course, but a sense none the less. So people stare, and will continue to stare at all sorts of things, my daughter included. And even I'll continue to stare, with that look of " I wish I could control this" in my eyes. But what if we could stop staring so much, and turn our gaze to God? What if we could replace our longing for control with a reckless abandonment to the one who made us? I'm all for it that's for sure. And you know, no matter how much we stare, how much we long for control, we still don't and won't get it.

Control is just an illusion.

So my prayer for you and I will be that we will stare less in a control seeking way and more in a God seeking way. An I also pray that when others stare at Abby they will in some way, be drawn to the face of the one who made her.